Perfect
by TheBlackQuill1090
Summary: She wonders why God would make her this way only to punish her for it. In the aftermath of her breakup with Adam, Becky must face her past and her feelings. A more mature one shot of Becky and Adam. T for language. Slight AU. Disclaimer: I own nothing.


Perfect

By: Callie Condray

"_There's nothing to be fixed, you're perfect."_

She finds it funny, the notion of falling for Adam. Because it seems no matter what she does, it's always wrong. She can never get it right. Adam Torres is unlike any guy she has ever met. _Obviously, because he's not really a guy is he now. _Her subconscious snarls viciously at her, and she represses screaming aloud. No matter how hard she tries she just can't get away from the sick need to see her. She loves her, and she's finally accepted the fact. She cannot call Adam a _he _so she decides she's in love with Gracie. The notion sends her reeling, and she leans over nauseated.

Her parents were always right about everything. It's wrong, loving Adam is wrong, is sick and apparently so is she. She wants to do the right thing, wants to be a good person. After Emily, her best friend she vowed to be better. She can still remember the red headed girl lying helplessly in the hospital, hooked up to a ventilator. The first time she had prayed in ages was in that hospital. And she had swore to God that if he saved her friend, her first love she would stop her behavior. And He did, the next morning Emily woke up. But Becky herself knew that she had made a promise to keep. So she turned her back on the girl and walked away, happy her friend wasn't dead while she herself felt as if she very much was.

She spent the next two years in revision, conditioning herself to put all those unnatural feelings in a bottle and hide them away so far deep in herself so they could never be found again. Everything was perfect, she had moved on, gotten better, went to church and everything was as it should be. That is until she saw _him. _

The moment she met him she knew he would ruin her life. It was like this tidal wave, every locked secret, sick desire; unbridled need came crashing back into her like a hurricane. It swept over her, tearing piece by piece until there's was nothing left but Adam. She knew he was transgender before he even spoke to her. So she instead of succumbing to her wants, her feelings, she became a heartless bitch. Maybe if she could make Adam hate her it would be easier, because then she could hate him right back. Except she only wound up hating herself.

But he was always surprising her, this quiet strength, despite how she consistently hurt him to give her second chances. And finally she just stopped resisting him, hoping and believing in her parents love. How stupid she was. As if they would ever approve. Their poisonous sweet smiles and soft voices that cut so deep.

"_Sweetheart we love you so much, but you're confused and so is Adam. You need help, and so does she. Now you can choose to accept our help and continue to live under our protection and care, or you can choose that lifestyle. Understand, no matter how much we love you we cannot accept a lifestyle the Lord depicts so very clearly as unnatural, wrong and ultimately an abomination. You will no longer be part of this family if that is what you choose."_

She would be lying if she said she didn't hate them for it, but without them she had nothing, and maybe ultimately that was all she really was underneath it all, nothing. So she took a deep breath and accepted the inevitable. She knew it would end like this. It was easy, denying herself the happiness she so longed for. What she wasn't expecting was how hard it would be telling Adam.

How he pleaded, spoke words that she longed to hear but would never be enough. The way his eyes narrowed, his breath labored, her suppressed tears, the way she turned her back on him, and how he slammed his locker, the bang echoing in her ears as she walked away. It was a sound that would be forever scarred into her memory.

And while she sat in this camp telling her that she was sick, but could get better all she could think was how she still loves him. She spent her time in the facilities' restroom leaned over the toilet, vomiting up her feelings that she wished would die and never return. And even though she's back home now, she just wants to be numb. And every time she thinks of him, she makes a friendly visit to the bathroom, because after she throws up, there's thirty seconds of pure bliss, where she feels absolutely nothing, free from her sick desires. And then the moment is over and reality comes crashing back down again, and she looks in the mirror and realizes that Becky Baker is fading away to absolute nothingness.

Going to school is even worse, seeing him in the halls, cutting up as if she was merely just a passing fling, and old flame that is burned out. He has moved on, flirting with other girls and she still feels empty, at war with herself. She soon stops the ridiculous façade she transpired when she first arrived. Emily's face comes to mind, her green eyes, red hair, sweet laughter and she longs to go back to the days where she just didn't care about the bullshit spewing from her parent's mouth. But after her friend overdosing on heroin, and she herself fucked out of her mind she cannot go back to that. She lost herself that day and it wasn't until Adam that she felt the beginnings of hope. And well now that's gone too.

She sees him leaning against his locker talking to Eli, his leather jacket and his gaze meets hers for a fleeting moment. There is nothing in his expression, no hate or longing just nothing. And it's this punch to her gut because now she knows it's really over. Because everyone knows the opposite of love is not hate, it's apathy, to be indifferent. So she quickly turns and walks into the bathroom to pay her porcelain friend another visit.

When she finishes, she slowly gets up and splashes water on her face and looks at her reflection. Sudden longing fills her up and she begins to panic. Running out the bathroom she runs all the way home. All these feelings keep opening up, flooding inside her, it's like she's opened Pandora's Box and she cannot stuff it down any longer.

Reaching her room she stands in the middle, breathing heavily and all the sadness, longing and need finally morph into a different emotion; anger, black out rage. And suddenly she's no longer in control of herself, tearing, shoving, throwing, and tearing her room to pieces, screaming, falling, kicking, thrashing and sobbing uncontrollably. And there she lays on the floor, surrounded by the utter desecration of broken glass, the pieces of her life. Picking up a glass shard, she digs into the palm of her hand, the sharp pain bringing her back to reality, back into control. Watching the blood flow from the open wound, she begins to breathe normally again, and her feelings wane to nothing. And she now realizes how to handle the problem when she cannot handle herself any longer.

The next morning she feels the stitches in her palm, and slowly gets dressed and throws her hair into a messy ponytail. When she reaches her locker, she sees Adam talking to another girl and jealousy rages up inside of her. Suddenly Adam meets her gaze, and his eyes narrow, realizing what she is feeling. The rage begins to boil in her veins, bubbling up and slowly out of control. Slamming her locker shut she turns and stalks out the school to the back bleachers.

Pulling out her pocket a lighter and a cigarette, she lights up the nicotine stick. She's started up smoking again; it's the only thing that suppresses her blackout rage. As the smoke burns down her throat she feels herself relaxing slightly.

"Who knew, famous bible, Miss Good two shoes smokes. Now I've officially seen everything." His voice is sharp, mocking.

Swiftly turning she seems him leaning against the bleachers casually, a smirk gracing his lips. His boyish face looking at her with such intensity, it's as if he's finally seeing her for the first time and the anger is back, because how dare he show up only to screw her up even more.

"Fuck off Adam," she snarls out and doesn't miss how his eyes widen.

"Oh apparently princess isn't afraid to swear either," he responds before taking a step towards her. "Tell me princess, just what else are you a complete and total hypocrite about?" he asks coldly.

She refuses to step back, to show how he intimidates her.

"Whatever, why the hell are you even here? Haven't I made it clear we are nothing? That the very idea of you makes me sick, makes me want to vomit?" she responds just as coldly before stalking past him and the bleachers.

Something flashes in his eyes and he grabs her arm swinging her back around into the bleachers, effectively caging her in.

"You know what," he starts getting right in her face, his breath whispering across her lips. "I'm so sick and tired of all your homophobic bullshit. It's getting old," he snarls out.

"And I'm really fucking tired of you coming on to me, I don't feel anything for you, I don't want you!" she screams. "So let me go," she finishes loudly pushing against him to no avail.

She hits against his chest hard while he just takes it. Finally she can no longer contain it. Everything comes crashing into her.

"You have any idea what you have done! I was fine; I was just getting better, accepting that what I was is wrong! And then you," spitting the word out to him, "you just fucking show up and suddenly my entire life turns to fucking shit!" she screams out.

"How the hell is that my fault! I didn't make you do anything!" he yells back still not letting her leave.

"You made me fall in love with you!" she screams back and hits him even harder.

Suddenly he grabs her wrist and shoves her back into the bleachers looking straight into her eyes.

"Do you still love me?" he asks hoarsely.

"It's wrong, it's so wrong, I'm not," she falters because she cannot say.

"That's not what I asked you," he demands before grabbing her chin forcing her to look at him. "Do. You. Love. Me," he asks forcefully.

Suddenly it's as if the worlds fading out, and all she can feel is fire, the way his body is molded into her own and she cannot decipher where he ends and she begins. It as if the world turned to nothing and all that remains is him.

"Yes," she whispers shoulders sagging in defeat, no longer able to fight herself any longer.

Then his mouth is on her own, and somehow everything else doesn't matter except his sweet tongue swirling deliciously on her own. Fire erupts inside her and she's kissing him back hard. This isn't a sweet kiss; this is all the pain, hate, longing and need melted into one single desire. This is them, raw, damaged and perfect. And finally she decides if God really exists, then why would He make her this way only to punish her for it.

And finally for once, Becky Baker found peace.


End file.
